+ JMJ +
That job I was hired onto... well it didn't start on the 22nd or the 24th or the 29th or the 1st--all dates I was told that it would start on... that punched my savings in the gut. 2 weeks no pay! And I had to pay rent! Pay rent on top of my application fee, my admin fee, my moving costs, etc. etc. etc. I started to get beyond stressed... Beyond it! I did still have some money, but since early college years I don't think I had seen my accounts that low. My recruiters, out of their own pockets, gave me a $50 Visa Card to buy groceries...I was humiliated. I felt like a legit beggar. I had never asked anyone for money... I am a Franciscan... Never did I ever think I'd have to beg though. I started July 6th and I got an advance from my paycheck so I was able to cover rent, but that just came out of the rest of my checks for the month. That was last month's rent. It's August. So right now. It's tight. Very. Tight. No.no. I'm serious, buckle-down-peanut-butter-and-crackers-for-lunch-all-week tight.
Last week was terrible. Budgeting was the worst. Everytime I calculated--didn't matter what I did--I barely had enough money for gas or food. I spent every night crying my eyes out. I went to the Adoration Chapel--just crying. (The poor people in there with me--the whole hyperventilating crying.) I went home one night, opened up my online banking, looked at the numbers and immediately ran into my bathroom and came so close to throwing up. Like I'm serious--I'd never been stressed so bad that I almost lost my lunch. I spent the entire next day nauseous. I was getting despondent. I was spiralling out of control. I just wanted to die.
Then. I talked to my mother. "Have you been praying the Litany of Humility?" "sigh..." "I always warned you, 'You pray the Litany of Humility be prepared to be humbled.'" I knew she was right. I did. I look at the saints (as us Catholics call those we recognize as knowingly being in Heaven) all of them are humble. They followed Jesus, who was humble. Mary was humble. St. Francis was humble. I wanted to be. *tears well in my eyes* I didn't think it would take this form. My mom said to me, "Where do you take the most pride in your life? Money. You had never been in debt [I had to borrow money to buy a bed]. You had always had a good cushion in your savings. You've always been so good with it." She was right. God gets you where you need to be gotten (I know that's not a word).
|The song that was on repeat perpetually... *face palm*|
On July 30th as I was driving out of my parking garage at work, I let out in desperation, "Jesus, Mary, Joseph, St. Francis, St. Therese! Help. Show me what I'm supposed to do! ...don't let me down..."
I seriously felt like there was a veil was over my eyes. The whole world looked grey. I was lost. I had forgotten everything. I didn't know why I was here. I didn't know every way God showed me this is where He wanted me. I didn't know any of my past desires to be humble. I didn't know what that would even look like. I didn't know my desires to be a saint and what it took. I didn't know. I was going to Mass at least 4 or 5 times a week, but my depth of field was so limited.
I got home that night... another night full of tears. I got on Facebook and I started scrolling down my feed. And I came across this summarized message between God and St. Therese:
I realize as I'm typing this, no where on this blog does it say why it has its title. I'm mos def not explaining that now. All I'll say is "to suffer for souls" is a quote from St. Therese, my homegirl. Once I read this excerpt from the book, everything about her flooded my mind. My life changed at age 10, because of her. There were things I asked God for and promised Him that I would do, because of her. I remembered them and I began to be content--very content.
I know this situation is temporary. I AM making an amount of money that will provide me with all that I need. My rent isn't super high. Money will definitely be coming in. It's just the timing is all out of sorts. I didn't plan for this. I didn't plan. As a Dave Ramsey girl, I failed.
Humble pie tastes pretty nasty, if I do say so myself. But hey, that's one pie that doesn't go without merit (and it's calorie free. ha. ha. ha.). And when I realized that there's more to this, I'm actually suffering (duh. smh.), I was like ok seat belts on, offer it up and let's save souls. Believe it or not even with this past month of humiliation, despondency and misery, I'm okay with it. It's what growing in virtue costs. It's not easy. I know. These are most definitely first world problems. But as my friends were telling me, I was placing all my security in money--I need to trust God. Trust Him. Trust. Somebody needed to smack me upside the head with Jesus. I had a good deal of support this past week. You need to watch what you ask for for sure. And if you do ask, be prepared. God always answers prayers... but rarely ever in our timing or the form we think they will take (at least for me).
+ Pax +